“What would you do if you earned 100 kuai from your part-time job?” It rained heavily that day. The echo of thunder pierced through my earphones. I squinted my eyes to adjust to the weak lights in the darkness. In a second, lightning split the darkness down the middle and lit up the road. Although it was evening on the highway, I can still see the full landscape of the hill, the house, and a shrinking dog.
Mom’s question woke me up from my daydream and dragged me back to reality. “What would I do if I have 100 kuai?”
“I will spend 50 for my dresses, 30 for books, and 20 for food.” I was pretty satisfied with the way I managed my money. However, back then, I was too young to recognize that my mother’s question was not just a question about money rather than the role it plays in a family; in a certain way, money is becoming the key to dominance in a family or a relationship.
“What about saving some for the family?” She looked confident chatting and driving at the same time with a 14 year old child and a 70 year old lady sitting in the backseat. “Stayed focused.” Grandma didn’t sound as confident as mom. She was thinking about people’s judgment on female drivers – one of the most dangerous species in the world.
“Do we really need my 10 kuai to buy a Ford?” I shrugged. No one dared to ask for my money. I was called the miser.
“Alright, but what about your future family? Aren’t you going to save your salary in your family account?”
“What is the family account?”
“It’s an account that you and your husband share. Both of you put your property in this account, and your husband will manage it.”
“Why should I give my money to someone else?”
“It’s not someone else; it’s your husband, the one you should rely on. Besides, he will earn more than you do.”
That was the thousandth time that I heard my mom try to describe one’s husband as the bay, the shield, or something that is protective and reliable, and according to my mom, as a girl, we should always look for a mister who has a higher salary, educational background, and social status than herself. In that way, more power will be handled by the husband, thus promoting their responsibility to the family. However, by that time, for me, money didn’t mean anything but new clothes and candy. Money is for buying things we need, and if a couple needs to purchase something for a family, they should contribute equally. Even though one of them can’t afford that much, and his or her partner has to bear more cost, that doesn’t mean the partner has more responsibility or control over the family.
The rising speed of the car revealed the dissatisfaction that my mom had with my silence. With the speed, wind bragged its power by smashing the rain on the side window of the car and dragging the drops of rain to the end. Just before I thought this mood was going to last for the rest of the trip. Grandma’s steady voice filled the car. “If I am the one who makes all the money for the family; if I am the one who has a higher salary, educational background, or social status; and if I can protect myself, do I still need a bay for protection? No, I don’t. Men are just for family, for children, and we, as women, have to learn to control them.”
The speed of the car decreased, and mom bit her upper lip tightly – like she did when she was upset. After her retirement, Grandma still worked in a hospital while Grandpa stayed at home and did most of the housework.
“My monthly salary is higher than that of most of the working class; your father made me three meals every day; I don’t have to wash any clothes nor sweep the floor. All of these are because I’m financially independent and know how to take a dominant position in a relationship with money I made.” With the silence in the car, she shot her a sideways glance and a victorious smile.
“Well, I don’t think so. As women, it’s our responsibility to let the men feel good and superior, so that they will be protective of us. I earned twice as much as your father did 10 years ago but gave it up because I didn’t want your father to feel useless and powerless. It’s a woman’s job to raise kids and do housework while men work hard to feed the family. The most important concept of being a family is that individuals become a unit and support each other, but financial independence means that without their partner people can still have an excellent material life. In other words, an independent individual doesn’t need to be bound to each other. How can a family unite if everyone wants independence? Therefore, I never regretted sacrificing my job or my money because I believe it’s for the sake of the blessed family that we have.” The concession from her voice touched me. I was impressed by her emotions and the huge sacrifice that I didn’t expect.
The conversation that the three of us, a group of women from different generations, had in that small narrow Ford isn’t about fancy dresses that money can buy but the dominance and responsibility that money can manipulate in a marriage. For a long time, I thought I was too young to consider marriage and the role of a wife. However, after that conversation, things like marriage, financial independence, gender equality, gender roles started to come to my mind. Both my mom and grandma have their stands, but I’m not with any of them. For me, marriage is not about dependence or dominance but support. With support and understanding, a couple doesn’t have to sacrifice anything to live an enjoyable life with the people they love, and money definitely shouldn’t become the accomplice of manipulation.